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Breast Intentions

Breast Intentions By AMY ALKON

In reality (a place far, far away from the women's studies department), any woman who tries to improve her looks to make herself more attractive to men -- is a woman who understands male biology.

Why is it okay to get your big, honking hook nose de-hooked, but wrong, wrong, wrong to get your small breasts upgraded to big ones? Because men might like you better if you get bigger boobs? Scandalous!

According to condescending femi-nannies like syndicated columnist Ellen Goodman, and the misguided activist daddy she quotes in a recent column, if you want to surgically enlarge your boobs, you can only be a weak-willed idiot who’s been brainwashed by the media. The daddy, a guy named Joe Kelly, “suggested that this ‘choice’ might be a nonchoice, the result of the ‘unchecked cultural pressure’ of the ‘toxic beauty myth.’” (Not to worry! She and the daddy and several legions of mustachio-ed feminists will happily lend you their small minds so you can do what they think is right for you.)

Contrary to what feminist parrots like Goodman and company would have you believe, beauty is not some arbitrary standard issued by monthly mandate from Vogue. Anthropologist Donald Symons said it best: “Beauty is in the adaptations of the beholder.” We have very, very, very old psychology. Millions of years old. The features men adapted (are hard-wired) to find beautiful in women -- an hourglass figure, clear skin, youth, symmetrical features -- all Breast Intentions indicate that a woman is likely to be a fertile and healthy childbearing candidate. Just because a particular modern woman might not be on the mommy track, or a particular guy isn’t seeking a wife, doesn’t mean she or he is any less affected by their inheirited evolutionary psychology.

Please, somebody get the message to the antique-thinkers who call themselves feminists. Even now that it’s become scientifically clear that silicone breast implants don’t harm women’s health, feminists, ever infantilizing women, remain shrilly dead-set against letting women make their own decisions whenever those decisions won't fall into lock-step with the feminist party line. Sure, there may be complications from boob jobs, just like there can be from nose jobs, or any kind of surgery, elective or non. Those risks should, obviously, be built into the cost of getting implants, and not be borne by the rest of us (such as yours truly, whose porn star-sized hooters were hereditary).

In reality (a place far, far away from the women’s studies department), any woman who tries to improve her looks to make herself more attractive to men -- is a woman who understands male biology! Men are visually oriented. Men like beautiful women. No, beauty isn’t everything, but trust me, men at parties are not standing across the room muttering to each other, “Look at the cranium on the chick in the red!”

In other words, if you want a man, you'll want to look like what men like. Is this anti-feminist? No, just smart! Maybe you won't want to go so far as to go under the knife (I certainly won’t). And sure, other stuff is essential, too -- (duh!) -- such as good character, values, and ethics, and being with somebody you love and find fun. But, by making yourself as beautiful as possible, by making whatever effort seems reasonable to you, you’ll increase the pool of men you have to choose from, thus increasing your chances of landing a really good one.

The same (only a little different) goes for men. Since women are wired to go for men of status and power (and care less Breast Intentionsabout men's looks, except for symmetry and tallness), guys on the unemployment line aren’t likely to be catching the eye of chicks cruising by in their Ferraris. Life’s tough, huh? Unfortunately for men, getting a huge wallet surgically implanted in one buttock probably won't do the trick.

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